"We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing!" ~George Bernard Shaw

"If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it." ~Montaigne

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." ~Mark Twain

" The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time." ~Fredrich Nietzsche

"A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair." ~Steve Martin

"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men." ~Issac Asimov

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." ~George Burns

"My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something." ~Groucho Marx

"Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time.." ~Robin Williams

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers." ~ Homer Simpson

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'." ~Homer Simpson

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." ~Henny Youngman

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." ~A. Whitney Brown

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." ~Lily Tomlin

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." ~Douglas Adams

"I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!" ~Rodney Dangerfield

"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." ~Will Rogers

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work." ~Robert Frost

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~Benjamin Franklin