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"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." ~W. C. Fields

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you." ~ Katharine Hepburn

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." ~ George Burns

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." ~Bill Cosby

"In the pun, two strings of thought are tangled into one acoustic knot." ~Arthur Koestler

"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers." ~ H. L. Mencken

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare." ~Mike Myers

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." ~Groucho Marx

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing!" ~George Bernard Shaw

"If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it." ~Montaigne

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running." ~Groucho Marx

"O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet." ~Saint Augustine

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." ~Mark Twain

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~
Groucho Marx

" The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time." ~Fredrich Nietzsche

"A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair." ~Steve Martin

"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men." ~Issac Asimov

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." ~
Groucho Marx

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." ~George Burns

"My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something." ~Groucho Marx

"Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time.." ~Robin Williams

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers." ~ Homer Simpson

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'." ~Homer Simpson

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." ~Fred Allen

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." ~Henny Youngman

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." ~A. Whitney Brown

"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."
~Bertrand Russell

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." ~Lily Tomlin

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." ~ Lily Tomlin

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." ~Douglas Adams

"I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!" ~Rodney Dangerfield

"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." ~Will Rogers

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work." ~Robert Frost

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor." ~ Joan Rivers

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~Benjamin Franklin